I love fall. L-O-V-E love it. I love breaking out the stretchy jeans and cozy sweaters. The spiders and flying bugs go away so we can enjoy our patio again. We watch football and post-season playoff baseball. I’m not sweating and I’m not cold. Life is good.

AND we get to go to the pumpkin patch…oh, wait. We don’t go to the pumpkin patch anymore. We don’t have any more little people. Well, shit. And then it hits me. I didn’t realize the last time we went to a pumpkin patch that it was going to be the last time we went to a pumpkin patch.

There are many things in my life that I knew were going to be the last time they would happen. The last baby I was going to have. The last day of preschool for the last child. The last elementary school performance. The last day my boys would walk to school together. The last time we would hang out in our driveway with neighbors before they moved away. The last day my daughter would drive to high school.

But there have been a lot of things that I wasn’t aware it was going to be the last. The last diaper change. The last breastfeeding session. The last holiday at my parents house before they divorced. The last Christmas each child still believed in Santa Claus. The last time Dax said “hold you” when he meant hold me. The last night I would read a bedtime story. The last time I would see my father-in-law’s wife before she passed. The last volleyball game I would watch my husband play. The last time my hair was long.

I’m feeling that way right now as all the parents of littles prepare for school parties and Halloween costumes, family photo sessions and pumpkin patch visits. I am caught off guard a little that I don’t have any of things in my life right now. We are well past that season.

We’re also past the Santa Claus portion of life. We are past bedtime stories. We are past riding in grocery carts. We are past juice boxes. We are past ponytails. We are past strollers and wagons, bikes and bottles. We are passed kissing boo-boos. We are passed cartoons on Saturday mornings and Ripstiks. We don’t do fun shape mac-n-cheese or play with chalk on the driveway. No more waterslides or sleepovers. It’s weird how when you are in the middle of those days when you feel like they will go on forever. One grows of out that stage then here comes another to keep you in the mix.

There are other things as well. We no longer have extended family holiday gatherings. Celebrating birthdays are fairly uneventful. I no longer drive an SUV to cart everyone around. Me and our older dog are tied with who has the most gray hair.

How is this my life?! Where did my babies go? Does someone need me to french braid something? Can I read someone a damn book? I’ll even read it 40 billion times in a row. What do I have to do to get adopted by a family who can take me to a pumpkin patch? I’ll buy all the cider and donuts. $40 for one pumpkin? Fine. I’ll pay for it.

But I’m trying not to be sad. Really I am. The only way I know how to get through this hardcore reality is to lean into the season I’m in. Go all-in on where I am now.

There is a lot I’ll miss but I do love a lot about where I am now, too. I have time freedom that I haven’t had in a long time. I am creating a business. I have the freedom to go out of town without having to arrange the stars, moon, and planets so that my kids are taken care of and that they get to all of their activities. My husband and I are alone together…a lot. We are five years away from being empty-nesters.

My life now is about goofy and lovable boys (even though they smell awful most of the time), Facetiming with my daughter, road trips without packing ALL THE THINGS, leaving the boys home alone, zero school committees or commitments (by choice), more facials so my face doesn’t completely slide to my neck, college recruiting trips, baseball showcases, bonding with my kids over social media memes and videos, finally building a career I love, writing consistently again, getting and staying healthy, attending our friends’ and family’s KID’S weddings, going to bed at 9:30, and realizing one of our children is at the age when I met her father (WHAT?!).

These are all wonderful things as well. So instead of clutching at the past and sobbing about all that is no longer my life, I know the only way to feel joy in this time is to embrace the hell out of where I am right now. I want to feel happy about today and what it brings. I need to lean into all that it is and not ho-hum about what it was. For me, that’s a sure-fire way to be miserable. Life is forever changing. Today will never be the same as yesterday. Each day that our kids grow, we grow right along with them. Thanks to baby Jesus because I never want to be the old version of me again.

Each day, each week, each year that passes…they all add up, like a wave building in strength and size. Before I know it, that wave crashes and dumps me onto a new shore. It doesn’t look at all like the shore I’ve lived (and loved) for so long but this one…maybe this one will be just as beautiful. And I will love it just as much.

I figure the best way to be miserable and sad is to stay stuck in the past. But if I do that, I will miss all the amazing that is happening in my life now. So, I’m leaning into this season in life. I’m keeping myself open to all the wondrous things that are happening in this time in my life because someday I want to look back and know that I lived it right.

Sidenote: I’m not ready to give up the pumpkin patch quite yet. Next year, we’re doing the damn thing.

***********

What are you loving about this season of your life right now?

What do you miss the most (or the least) about the season you left behind?