If we could see all the mental baggage we've been carrying around all these years, we'd understand why we're all so damn tired all the time. 

Our sucky childhoods, our rotten ex-boyfriends, our most embarrassing moments, our failures as parents, our disappointing friendships, chronic illnesses, life pausing injuries, even fashion from the 80's...the list goes on and on. We drag this shit around like Will Smith with that alien in the parachute in the movie "Independence Day". Except, we’re dragging a lot more than one alien. 

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we keep that stuff with us as if we own it, like it's a physical part of us? I've been thinking about this a lot lately because I sense my "baggage" is what keeps me from becoming the most authentic self. It drags me back to the depths of my fears, my worries, my anger and my failures. 

I'm ready to let it all go. I'm working on forgiveness and then letting that shit go. 

I want to share what I'm doing and perhaps it can work for you, too. 

I forgive myself for past transgressions.

The list is long and this may take a few tries. I'm letting go of guilt and shame for letting alcohol make bad decisions for me. I'm letting go of not dreaming big enough, or even dreaming at all. I'm no longer going to bash myself about skipping out on commitments. I'm forgiving myself for not keeping in touch more. I'm forgiving myself for all the years I hated my body and for chasing the wrong things. I am letting go of years of bad decisions. I’m letting go of my badly behaved reactions to disagreements. I’m letting go of abhorring budgets and telling myself I am not a fiscally responsible person. I

I’m no longer that person who did those things, believed those stories, or acted like a fool. She has learned to do better and that person no longer exists. I’m burning these transgressions like a good old banned book bonfire.

I'm letting go of anger towards my parents

My mom was in survival mode for most of their marriage and my dad was battling his Vietnam demons with alcohol so there wasn’t much left in the tank to give to each other. I know they loved each other at some point because they got married, but my mom’s controlling father and neglectful mother gave her a zero point zero idea of what love actually looked like. Or what a loving spouse was. Or that she was worthy of so much more.

When my mom realized my dad’s drinking, she wanted to leave but financially had no way to leave. So she stayed. While I’m thankful she did because I wouldn’t be here but there was a lot of misery in that house. I’m sad that my mom didn’t believe in herself enough to leave my father anyway. I’m sad that she never went to the college she wanted where she probably would have met someone who would have loved her deeply.

However, I used their marriage of what not to do as a how-to for my own. I needed to do the opposite. I haven’t always gotten it right but I know what I deserve and what my spouse deserves. And we do our best to give our best to each other. I want my kids to get a very clear picture of what a loving marriage looks like. In the past, I’ve let my parents’ marriage be an excuse for my own behavior. Letting go of that blame has given me back the power to create my own happiness. Their unhappiness doesn’t get to be any part of my current story.

I’m letting go of caring what others who aren’t on my “piece of paper” think.

Brené Brown talked about this in an interview when she talked about how she dealt with criticism of her work (check out her TED talk about vulnerability). She’s talked about her process of learning to let go of other people’s opinions with the famous advice, “Other people’s opinions are none of your business.” She even confessed to keeping a physical reminder of that on a slip of paper she kept in her purse. She had a little scrap of paper with the names of people whose opinions she cared about. If anyone else criticized or attacked her, it didn’t matter because they weren’t on the list. Since reading that plus painful criticisms I’ve received as well, I have my own piece of paper.

As with many writers, artists or creatives, putting ourselves out there makes us vulnerable to attack, unsolicited opinions and judgments. When any of use share a part of ourselves, whether it is a viewpoint, personal story, our art, or something that makes us feel vulnerable, we tend to worry about judgment. By putting ourselves out there, we are bringing it on, so to speak. One of the most freeing and empowering things I’ve done is let go of caring about that judgment. If I’m living my truth, purpose and/or sharing a piece of my heart, the opinions of those on that piece of paper are the only ones who matter. End of story. I highly recommend creating your own piece of paper for the freedom that follows.

I’m letting go of the shoulds.

For so long, I’ve had a long list of I should be this, I should be that, I should be doing this, I should have this by now, etc. We give so much thought to who we think we should be and not how we are now. And appreciating how amazing we are already! Writers think they should be published by now. Entrepreneurs think they should be rich by now. Parents think they should’ve figured parenthood out by the third kid. Women think they should be thinner, happier, more fulfilled, more organized or married by now. We compare ourselves to others in ways that are ridiculous and unfair to our current selves.

All of those shoulds are keeping us from feeling the joy of who and where we are today. In a workshop I participated in —multiple times actually—highlighted all this shoulding in a helpful exercise. We wrote down all of our shoulds, false stories we tell ourselves, and our shortcomings on a piece of paper and held it right up to our faces. The lesson was that with all of these things we tell ourselves blinding us, we can’t live our lives to the fullest. We are held back, literally blinded, by the inability to see ourselves beyond these “shortcomings”. This is a hard lesson to learn and each time I’ve done this exercise, I am surprised, yet not surprised, that I can still come up with enough things to fill up the page.

I recommend trying this then ripping that f*cker to shreds or burning it, letting go of the old way of seeing yourself so you can make way for all that is already amazing or possible for you.

*****

What do you need to let go of in order to lighten up your life?

What stories have you been telling yourself that are no longer true?

Share in the comments!