Getting off the Self-Sabotage Train

Photo by Marko Mudrinic on Unsplash

I hit a goal last night. What the goal was doesn't matter. What matters is that I hit a goal. I HIT A GOAL. Just typing those words is weird. It's taken me a long time to get here and now that I am, I'm trying to sort through how I feel about it. 

My first thought was "about g*ddamn time, Hal". Then my awoke self stepped up and told my old self to f*ck off. Do I wish I had hit this goal sooner? Absolutely. But the healthy me is acknowledging what I did to get here as well as those who helped me do it. You see, I've been a self-sabotager for most of my life and I still haven't given up the practice 100%. I've been a two steps forward, three steps back sort of person. Getting "well" for me has been so much more than what I eat and drink or how much sleep I'm getting. Mental wellness is a tough a journey as any if you ask me. 

I clung to self-deprecating humor and cynicism as my coping mechanisms since I can remember. Let me bash myself before you can get the chance. If I knock myself down first, there's nothing you can say that can take me lower because I'm already there. What sort of bullshit is that anyway? Who in hell started THAT trend? When did we as a society let this become a thing? 

Getting off the self-sabotage train has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. Actually, still doing. It's like I've jumped off the train but my arm's caught on something and I'm dragging my feet. It's painful as hell but I need that pain to realize I don't want to be here. I want to be standing in the pretty field of wildflowers over there and wave (perhaps my middle finger?) as train after train goes by. 

So how does one make this train stop once and for all? 

Here's what worked for me. 

1. A belief in myself and the goal. 

For years...YEARS, I had zero confidence, which meant I was defeated before I even started. I created stories about myself that were just that...stories. They were completely made up with zero truth behind them. I'm not smart enough. I'm a quitter. No one wants to hear what I have to say. They will think I'm a phony. I'm nothing special. 

There has been a lot of blood, sweat and tears spent to make those stories disappear. But in the end, it came down to that I made a decision. I decided to stop believing those stories. I am 45 years old and it's time I grew up. It took a lot of books, a lot of conversations and a lot of trying before that confidence began to settle in. I also had to examine my goals and really look at why they were my goals. If they were to impress someone else, then they were never my goals to begin with. A HUGE tool that has helped me was integrating the SELF Journal into my life. It lets me identify three goals that I work toward in 13-week chunks. Each goal is broken down into smaller progress goals and before I know it, I have a game plan and a goal that is totally workable. This leads me to the next step.   

2. To take action in spite of fear.

Often, we let the fear of the unknown paralyze us. When we are unsure of the future and what the outcome of our efforts will be, choosing inaction keeps us in the safe zone. If we don't take action, we don't reach our goal but we also don't fail because if we never even try...well, that's not quite failing. Oh, the justifications we make! What I've learned in a lot of my reading is that fear is just a thing. It is not part of who we are. It's the energy we've held onto rather than let it go when we're going through experiences or certain situations. All of that pent-up energy ends up causing all sorts of havoc within ourselves and we spiral into a darkness that results in a life lived in fear. We have fear of the unknown, fear of letting others down, fear of failing, fear of looking stupid, fear of imperfection, etc. The list is long and if we let those fears make our decisions for us, we will end up with a pretty boring and mundane life. 

Again, it comes back to a decision. I decided quite a while ago that I wanted to start blogging. Did I know everything I needed to know before I got started? No. I read just enough to understand the logistics and then I jumped in. Was it perfect? Hell no. Was it scary? Hell yes. No one I knew was blogging and I hadn't come out of the "I'm a writer" closet yet. Putting myself out there was so scary but my desire to write was greater than my fear. And a blog was born. I learned along the way through trial and error as well as watching others. And that is step 3. 

3. Look beyond the light of our own lantern to those who are walking beside and ahead of us.

I looked to others who were achieving the things I wanted to achieve. I asked questions. I watched their webinars, attended their workshops, or read their books. I looked for women to connect with who were on the same journey I was and who were going for goals of their own. They inspire me just by how they design and live their lives. They were once in my shoes and now they are just a few steps ahead or maybe even off to the side, helping me illuminate my way. It's important to be grateful for what we have and who we are, for our own light and not let bitterness or scarcity creep in when we play the comparison game. This can send us into that darkness again and before you know it, you're back on that self-sabotage train. 

All of these things took practice. Lots and lots of practice. I'm still practicing. I will continue to set goals but also until it just becomes the way I live. Before I woke up the power I had within myself, I would walk away before I could fail. If it became too hard and the path was unclear, I turned and turned until I found an escape route. 

This goal. This path. This lantern I carry. This is what matters to me right now. That I made it through the dark and scary trail and came out the other side. It's wasn't a pretty trip but I'm here. I'm right here. And I'm not alone. That is the difference. 

I don't believe we are meant to do hard things alone. So, as I look back at the path I just came through, I will hold up my lantern so that someone else can see that they are not alone and that the path isn't so scary. That making it through to the end is possible. 

So set the goal. Walk the path, no matter how slow. Feel the struggle. Find the light. Don't stop. Celebrate wherever you are. And you can wave goodbye to that train forever.