I’m alive! You?

At this point, that’s all I can brag about. Aliveness. I’m breathing, my heart is pumping, and I speak in full sentences. Most of the time. Which is a feat in itself after being home with my teenage boys for the past six months. And we just added an eight-week old puppy into the mix so that is probably about to change.

Even though I’ve spent the past few months helping keep our family relatively sane (not sure what the measuring stick is these days) and alive, I let myself down. My goal has been to live intentionally (awake, well and empowered, to be exact) rather than just get by or "survive”. But man, this pandemic/quarantine has been a shock to the system. All motivation to write, grow my business, and keep up with personal growth went out the window. Like poof.

I believed it was going to be just a long couple of weeks stuck inside with my family. I was most likely in shock and unable to process what was really happening. Each day was a week’s worth of news and my soul had a hard time taking it all in. Which was mistake number one. I shouldn’t have put that burden on myself. There was no reason to subject myself to ALL the information.

As the weeks continued with the way I (and all of us) lived our daily lives changing dramatically, my anxiety went up. What did all of this mean for my family? Our financial future? My kids’ education? Our food supply? Our local economy? Our nation’s economy? All of those questions bouncing around my brain made me scared and basically paralyzed me. It was agonizing. I felt bipolar AF. One day I was glass half full and the next, emptier than all the nothingness in the world.

Honest to God, I wondered, and sort of still do, if this is going to be our Station Eleven. After all this time with the massive global impact this has had, my mind worries about the long-term damage of it all. And then I think about how underprepared my kids, and clearly myself, are for a world vastly different than the one we live in now. We are NOT Station Eleven prepared. Not even a little bit! So along with many other pandemic self-discoveries, I can add apocalyptic survival to my list of parenting failures.

I used to be a cynic. And a smart-ass one to boot. But as I got older and wiser, I realized that that view held me back. I changed course and focused on seeing the positive first. But, man, this year. He’s (of course 2020’s a he) tested the shit out of that. It’s pushed me to the edge of that belief, like to the scary Grand Canyon photo opportunity edge. I abandoned my normal view of life because every piece of news or article told me everything was not okay. And I spent way too much time listening to all of it.

And I let myself down. I’ve been manning my station for the past few years — helping others feel awake, well and empowered then when the world went Stranger Things on us, I abandoned the mission. But before I took the pause, I offered The AWED Life Program for free. I felt like it was more important than ever to get people on the path to wellness. Rather than keep going, putting one foot in front of another, the murder of George Floyd and subsequent events stopped me in my tracks. I had a hard time seeing my own path when so many others were struggling with much bigger things.

While all the weird was happening, some good that came out of it. We got more time as a family than we ever expected. My daughter came back from college and we loved having her home again. Sure, we were sad she was missing out on being a normal college student but we were glad she was safe at home with us. We played games, colored ridiculous and inappropriate mantras, made kombucha, played catch outside, read books (not near as many as I should have), took a LOT of walks, watched movies, went to the lake, started juicing, fished, started some projects we’ve put off, did home workouts together, and much more. So while I wasn’t at my “helping others” post, I was very present with my family.

Then things began to open back up and for us, that meant baseball. The boys played a lot of ball which was fine by me. I traveled with my oldest for some college showcases which again, made life feel somewhat normal again. We even snuck in a mom/daughter trip to the beach.

But all of that is over. Baseball is done and my daughter went back to college to hopefully prepare for her junior soccer season (news update—it’s postponed until the spring). So I’m back at my post. I may not be 100% but I’m close. I’m dusting the cobwebs off of everything and putting the shape back into my days. Like writing again. Working out in the morning. Getting up early (thanks to the pup). Planning for the future. Strategizing my business.

I need this daily structure. I need this mission/purpose of helping others find wellness to help MY wellness. The world needs help, especially the U.S. The unhealthiest are the most at risk. This is why I’m here; I want to help change the course of this ship. I want to be part of that crew. I know how I felt before I learned to take better care of myself. I know that I never want to go back. But I know there are a lot of reasons why people struggle with their health: poverty, lack of information/education, lack of resources, poor environment, and no guidance just to name a few. Most people don’t choose to be unhealthy. There are just some circumstances beyond our control. But one thing I know for sure is that I can control my response. and There is a lot of work to be done and it’s time to get back to work.

I’m ready for the finger pointing to stop and for us to start learning from the situation. Ask ourselves why then chart a new course based on the information we’ve learned. I’m challenging myself to look at what I’ve learned in these past six months and take steps to make sure I don’t repeat my mistakes…to keep working on making my health (mind, body and soul) a top priority every day. To act or speak up when I see or hear racism. To be grateful for the simple things in life. And to stop listening to the fucking news.

Glass half full, peeps. Glass half full.

xo