Yep, this is the obligatory 2019 reflection blog post. I’ll give you the best books and favorite products post later this week but today, I’m chatting about what I discovered about myself this past year. There was a lot of good, a little bad and even a touch of ugly. Maybe you can relate.

I can hit a goal (awesome)

Well, looky here. I actually hit a goal that I set for myself at the beginning of 2019. I CAN finish what I start which totally goes against one of my limiting beliefs that I never see things through. I always told myself that I give up too easily or when the going gets tough, I go another direction.

I had a goal last year to create a 6 week online program, called The AWEd Life, and I “launched” it into the wide, wide world on September 30. Actually launch is not the appropriate word. It was more like “Oh, by the way, here’s this thing”. This actually leads to another discovery of mine…

I don’t have a fricking clue about marketing (bad)

When I hit the publish button on the Shop page of my website, no one signed up. <oops face emoji>

Nada.

Zilch.

Zero point zero.

My social media following is meager and as if that’s not enough, most social media outlets have some crazy algorithms that make it almost impossible to reach people. There is some crazy statistic that says only 10% of your followers see your posts (I actually think it’s less) so unless I figure out the algorithm or pay for ads, I need to get creative. I’m proud of what I created and hitting that goal was huge for me but my overall objective is to actually help people, not pat myself on the back. Marketing my program is where the hard work is. There are lots of avenues to travel (collaborations, guest bloggers, guest blogging, networking events, create a promotional YouTube video, rent a billboard—jk) and as intimidating as some of them sound, I know that my passion for my helping others is greater so I will wade into the murky waters and figure it out.

I am a solo artist with a tribal heart (good)

I attended a couple of events this year solo so I could recharge my batteries as well as connect with like-minded women. One was the Rise Conference with Rachel Hollis back in June and the other a writing workshop and book signing with Mary Laura Philpott, author of I Miss You When I Blink.

I went by myself so I could immerse myself and really dive into the experience of Rise. I think if I went with a group of women, I would’ve been “distracted” and I certainly wouldn’t have met the amazing women I did. Since I was solo, I was able to find a seat easily (there is always that one seat between groups of people whether it’s church, the movies, or a speaking event). The bad thing I learned about that trip was that I hadn’t been dreaming big enough for myself. I was still playing it safe and that my dreams were no where near the ridiculousness they should be. I revamped my vision and ya girl is shooting for beyond the moon!

The only ugly thing about that weekend was the ugly cry I did when we did the “Stand Up for Your Sister” exercise. There was a sheet of paper with a checklist that we were to mark any and all past hurts and traumas listed if they had happened to us any time in our lives. Things like domestic abuse, rape, drug addiction, lost a parent, self-harming, been cheated on, hate the way we look, or suffer from anxiety just to name a few.

We filled them out anonymously, folded them up and then passed them all over the place so no one had no idea whose paper they had. Then, Rach reads through each trauma one by one and if the paper you are holding has a check mark next to that, you stand up. This exercise signified standing up in support for your “sister” who is going through or has gone through this hard thing.

So many women were standing up for all the horrible things that have happened to us. So many women had been hurt or were still hurting so no wonder so many in the room didn’t feel empowered or ready to take on their dreams. Many of us have been weighed down by what we carry with us and I realized I had been doing the same. We passed all of those papers up to the front of the auditorium and each of them were thrown away, symbolizing us releasing the power they were holding over us.

Even though I went on my own, I really wanted to connect with other women who were also on a deeply personal growth journey as well. I met a wonderful new friend, Rhiannon Carlson, who was my savior on day 1 when I was looking for a solo seat down in front. (I always get the parking spot right up front so I went for it and it paid off. She waved her hand and indicated an empty seat next to her. We hit it off right away and had lunch together to learn more about each other. She is highly motivated, has lots of energy and is super fun to talk to and I’m so happy that we met. We are Instagram friends today and I realized that even though I went alone, I went hoping to find my people. I found one so it was a great start! While I’m all for venturing out solo I also love to be part of a community of women.

Speaking of a community of women, I traveled up to Minneapolis for the writing workshop with Mary Laura Philpott (you NEED to buy her book—it’s fabulous for anyone who has mildly wondered “What the eff is going on?!” in your 40s with all the WHO AM I emotions—and her book signing. She was awesome and I had so much fun learning from her in the workshop. I’m enamored with her writing and have absolutely been fangirling on her ever since. The event was held at Modernwell which is a co-working space just for women and it’s UH-mazing. I have major FOMO whenever I hear or read about events there or all the wonderful things their members are accomplishing. Going there makes me feel part of something and I’ve made many friends there. I try to sneak up there a couple times a year because it gets my tribal heart practically beating out of my chest.

I’m ready for more adventures in 2020, solo and as part of a tribe. The research is on for the when and where. If you want to join or have some ideas, let me know!

I broke my ankle and it’s all my fault (ugly)

I legit broke my ankle because of a bad habit. That habit is that I’m usually late. I take too long getting ready. I dawdle getting all my beverages together before I walk out the door. (I usually have a matcha latte, my water bottle and either a kombucha, green juice or a protein shake in tow. ) I lose track of time when I write so when I glance at the clock, it’s usually followed by an “"Oh, shit!” and a quickle hustle to get out the door.

And this summer, my bad habit finally caught up with me. I needed to follow my son to the auto repair shop and realized I had left my phone upstairs in my bathroom. So I hurried back in, retrieved my phone and as I was hustling like a professional speed walker around my car to get in, I rolled my ankle on the lip of the garage floor that led out to the driveway and I felt the pop. I think my velocity x previous year’s ski trip tumble may have been the spark that lit the match.

It didn’t take long to figure out that it wasn’t a run of the mill sprain and that my lateness habit cost me a lot more. It cost me a week of my life laid up in bed miserable. It cost me a hike, a float in the Yampa, and morning walks with my family on our Colorado vacation. It cost me months of not being able to run. I know, that seems weird, but I promise you’ll never want to run more in your life than when you snap your ankle. It cost me confidence to walk in wedge heels.

I’ve done physical therapy and have been cleared to start running again but I’m definitely changed. I feel limited and tentative when I exercise, hell some days even walking on a cobblestone street brings back traumatic flashbacks. . After a couple more x-rays it shows that my ankle bone is still broken and because of where I broke it, it may never completely heal. Awesome.

So the positive out of this is that I’m no longer always late. I am making huge strides in paying attention to the time and making sure I’m allowing appropriate time to get there. Besides, I don’t want to be known for being that friend, client, patient, or even mom who shows up late to EVERY-thing. I’m known for so it’s one of the habits I’m working on in 2020.

Another positive about the broken ankle situation was that it prompted me to inquire my doctor about my calcium levels and she confirmed that they’ve been low for a year or more based on blood tests. Consistently low calcium levels (also known as hypocalcemia) can actually lead to other issues like dry, scaly skin, brittle nails, course hair and as expected, osteoporosis. It can also cause neurological issues like confusion, memory loss, and depression and even seizures and irregular heartbeat. It actually increases my chances of sudden cardiac arrest and since I’m not getting any younger, I’m not taking any chances. I’ve hopefully upped my levels with calcium supplements and vitamin D.

I may be slightly down but I’ll never be out. I’m a Taurus, for fook’s sake. I won’t go down until I’m dead.

I love who I am without alcohol

I went 448 days without alcohol. On October 1, 2018, I made a decision to go alcohol free for 90 days and when the new year came around, I realized I loved who I was more without it than with it so I stayed the path. I abstained until I went on vacation to Cabo this past Christmas and let me tell you, I was sooo nervous. I didn’t want to feel like just because I was in Mexico that I had to drink but I also felt that I no longer needed to prove anything to myself anymore. Honestly, it was weird and like I was betraying myself and what I had stood for for the past 448 days. I had a handful of cocktails while I was there and I know now that what I used to perceive is fun is no longer. What I truly just want is to feel celebratory and I can do that with soda water, an obscene amount of limes and some mint leaves. Having something other than just plain water is all it takes. I realize that the buzzy feeling can be a state of mind just as easily as it can be from a boozy drink.

After these past 356 plus 90ish days, I have a such a better sense of who I am and know that I will always choose feeling awake, well and empowered in my life over running away or numbing. I can choose a mocktail to be a part of the fun while allowing me to be my true self in every situation. It was hard to do that before because I hadn’t allowed “just me” and what I valued most in myself to show up before. I cannot recommend abstaining from alcohol enough. There are many reasons (health, being present, role modeling for our kids, longevity, aging well, etc.) to abstain and know that I’m changed forever because of it.

What were YOUR favorites from 2019?

What were some lessons you learned as well?

How have you changed since January 2019?

I’d love to hear about all of them in the comments…don’t be shy! ;)