As the Empty Nest Approaches…
Photo by Laura Ockel on Unsplash
A few weeks ago, my husband and I dropped our son off at college in Colorado. We then spent a few days in a tourist town out there rather than come all the way home because our daughter was going to play a college soccer game just a couple of hours from there in a few days. During that week away, we got a taste of what is to come, the empty nest. We still have a sophomore in high school at home but that’s only three years! Then what? Who will I tell to wake up each day? Who will I nag about making beds made, emptying dishes out of the dishwasher, mowing the yard, and letting the dogs out? Who will I ask if their homework is done, where they’re going and who they’re going with? No one, that’s who! While all of that sounds amazing, there’s a flip side.
Who will I watch wrestle with the dogs? Whose bed will I crawl in and snuggle with, pretending they’re still five years old? Who will I get goodnight hugs from each night? Who will I watch grow right before my eyes? Whose silly voices and goofy dances will I laugh at? Who will I talk to about life lessons on the way to travel tournaments? Who will I hold while they cry about stupid high school stuff? Who will I share inside jokes about their father with?! No one, that’s who. And that makes me sad.
There are a thousand more questions I could contemplate but these aren’t so much questions that I’m seeking answers to as much as I’m trying to process the permanent changes that are coming.
Such as:
Who am I if I’m not caring for my family?
How will I feel connected to the people I love when they aren’t here?
How will I utilize my time freedom?
As I think about all the things I have yet to do in my life, I’ve got a lot of self-shaming going on. Why haven’t I spent more time pursuing me the whole time? To give myself credit, I’ve pursued better health for the past 15 years and personal growth for about 7 of that but it’s been a lot more contemplation than action.
Which is fine, too, but I look back and see that there have been a lot of years spent hoping, wondering, and dreaming. As if having kids at home and living my authentic life was an either/or situation. To my credit, this wasn’t modeled for me, and don’t think it was for most of my generation. It was understood that you either chose a career or your family; you couldn’t have both without “failing” at one of them. Mothers, at least the “good” ones, were expected to put themselves last and not to have an opinion unless it went along with everyone else’s.
I put “me” on hold while I raised my kids and now that they aren’t as time-consuming, I’ve spent the past few years desperately trying to find “me” again. Who I really am, what I love, how I want to live, where I want to live, what my purpose is, and so on. Why did I neglect her for so long? Why did I give her the back seat and hand over the steering wheel, hell, I don’t think I even touched the steering wheel in the first place?
And I’m remorseful for time lost and wish I had been the real me the whole time.
To her/my credit, she began whispering to me about 15 years ago. She told me she wanted to write. I listened and I started writing a fiction novel which led me to the online writing community. It was that community that eventually led me to a life coach that encouraged me to keep digging to find more of me.
That coaching led me down a path of self-assessment and a yearning to do more with my life. I loved being a mom but there was something deeper that ached within me. Like I had more to offer the world but I didn’t exactly know what or how.
The writing helped scratch that itch and I even pursued writing for local magazines. But that became stale after realizing that the extent of what I would write was to promote local companies who placed ads in the magazines. It wasn’t rewarding and it sure as hell wasn’t great pay.
I stopped doing that altogether and just wrote in my blog instead. It was where I could write what I wanted and it felt safe. I stopped stretching myself and stuck with what was easy. But I lost all momentum and felt like I was back where I started. I was just Mom again.
In the past couple of years, things have gotten clearer since I stopped drinking and took a nose dive into personal development books/podcasts. I also started showing up on my social media with a focus on living awake, feeling well, and being empowered. I created an acronym for it and now have a vision of creating an online community of women who want to live AWEd as well.
But here it is, a few years later and I’m still dreaming. To give myself credit, I DID create a program in 2019, called The AWEd Life, which no one signed up for. I had no idea how to market it, who my ideal client even was, and how to best deliver it.
Since then, I’ve been in a holding pattern trying to figure out what to do next. I’m 100% a multi-passionate person and have a plethora of ideas of what to pursue.
So why have I held back for so long? Why have I waited for one phase of my life to end before moving forward with my dreams? Mom guilt? Fear (of judgment, rejection, failure, etc.), self-sabotage, lack of confidence? All of the above. You name it, I’ve used it as an excuse.
I’m sad that I’ve used motherhood as the biggest excuse of all. I missed out on the opportunity to show my kids what living authentically, with purpose, and following a passion-filled life looks like the whole time.
Sure, they know I’m a wellness geek, that I drink all the green juice and eat all the salads but do they really know me? Do they really know what makes me me? It’s time for all of us to find out.
While the empty nest is only a couple of years away and I’ll have all the free time (God willing) to pursue “me”, I don’t want to waste any more time. I think I’ve been marinating long enough. Even if/when I fail, am judged, and/or feel rejected, at least I’m living my purpose, authentically, and doing what I love.
It’s time to get out of the back seat. It’s time to take the wheel so buckle up, Me, you know I like to drive fast. We’ve got to make up for lost time.
Have you guys ever felt the same? Like you put your own dreams aside for the sake of motherhood?
What are your thoughts on life with an empty nest?
What are the dreams you have for your own life?