Meeting Me in the Middle
I consider myself in the middle of my life. This is also known as midlife, middle-ish, Wrong Side of Forty, and what most of us in that stage of life can relate to—restless AF.
I feel the fleeting of time like the sun on the most perfect vacation day. No matter much I rotate my chair, trying to savor each golden ray, there is nothing I can do about its inevitable descent. And the more I stare at that big ball of time, it blinds me and keeps me from seeing all the wonderful around me.
So rather than obsess about the descent of my years, I’ve chosen to not waste any more sunlight.
Sadly, it often takes hitting these middle years to appreciate time. It took until my 40s to feel like I truly started living “right”. Not that I was living wrong; I mean I was just wasn’t awake. And I also don’t mean “now that my kids are almost grown and I get my life back” kind of way. I mean the lights went on and I finally saw exactly where I wanted to go and how I wanted to live.
When I look back at my 20s, I was like a baby stumbling around, bumping into things (people, places, jobs, etc.) and falling down constantly. Then along came my 30s which could be interpreted as dazed and confused. The dreaded 40s blew in with a big “what the f*ck are you DOING?!” slap upside the head. Which, thankfully, turned the lights on.
I wish I had this kind of clarity when I was raising my kids because my parenting style would’ve been so different. My lack of awareness, sense of self, my directionless meandering, passion deficiency, and overall unhealthiness, mentally and physically, had been the overarching theme of my life up until that point. While I wish it would have happened sooner, I’m grateful it happened at all.
As my eldest entered her teens and me in my 40s, we sort of stumbled along like we were growing up together. But there were two significant things that happened that changed the course of my life.
One, I heard a phrase from a parenting workshop I took in 2012 (Family Life Success) which then became my own guiding light.
Live the life you want your kids to lead.
Boom! That hit me like a snowball to the face. I told my kids day in and day out…
”Do this”
“No, not that!”
“Hurry up!”
and a whole lotta “What the fuhhhh”, mostly under my breath.
A well-known piece of advice in the writing world is “Show, don’t tell.” Talk about a facepalm moment because it’s the same principle as leading by example. All I wanted for my kids was to live happy, healthy, and purpose-driven lives. The end. How were they ever going to learn how to do that if I wasn’t doing it?!
By watching me live life “right”, I could guide them in a much more productive way—for all of us—than nagging. I wore that mantra like a person wears a rubber band on their wrist as a behavior deterrent, “snapping” it whenever I found myself telling and not showing.
But it was hard! I didn’t feel like my life was anything to look up to. When I examined how I felt, the words that came up were stuck, purposeless, adrift, lost, numb, overwhelmed, unworthy, sad, hopeless, and desperate for change. Hashtag Restless AF.
A few years prior to this, I had had a health wake up call because of a ton of chronic health issues I was having. I changed my diet, cut out the sugar and helped heal my gut which set me down the healthy lifestyle path. But when I hit my 40s, it was time for my mental wake up call. It sounded a bit like this:
Girl, what the hell are you doing? You are living each day like you got a million left. Haven’t you learned a damn thing? Your kids are watching you, you know that, right? You don’t have to figure it all out today but just start figuring it out. Do something, ANYTHING, that lights you up.
You’ve been writing for all of these local magazines but you’re burning yourself out…for what? Sixty to 100 bucks an article? You’ve learned all that you needed to learn here so move on. That freelance PR assistant role is killing you slowly, too. You aren’t wired the way you need to be for that job. You gave it the ol’ college try but it’s okay to walk away. Take a break if you have to and get a hold of yourself. No really. Go figure yourself out.
You don’t have to plan the rest of your life right this minute but just move forward.
Then I found an online coaching workshop through a writer friend of mine, which landed in my lap exactly when I needed it. Truly, it was an answer to my prayers. It taught me to appreciate the small things, to play, to shift my mindset, how to unlock my desires, to tune into my intuition, be present, and so much more. Actually, that program is happening again VERY SOON and enrollment is open until today, March 3 at 11 p.m. EST. Go here to check it out! Tell Katie I sent ya!
That started the ball rolling and as I went through the workshop, I began to learn who I really was and what I wanted from life.
I started reading personal development books, listening to ALL the podcasts, journaling, meditating, doing yoga, I submitted essays and was published in Huffington Post and in an anthology called My Other Ex. I changed what I blogged about and pulled back from relationships that didn’t align with my values anymore. I said no to the things that drained me and yes to things that made me feel alive. When this man coined the phrase “midlife crisis”, he should have followed it up with “and awakening” so we can all stop dreading our 40s already.
While middle age has gotten a bad rap for hot flashes, the start of the empty nest and sagging jowls, the obligatory “crisis” mentality, gray hairs, bullshit weight gain, and many more delights, I have to say these have been the best years of my life.
Midlife can be the “Age of Enlightenment” if you let it. Why not look at these years as your time to shine? My kids are less needy and I’m like that curve killing mom who went back to college. I want to know everything and I’m ready to ask 1,000 questions if I have to. This is your time to thrive.
Here’s what I did that may help you, too.
1. Follow your passions
Be it knitting, hiking, pickleball, scrapbooking (is that still a thing?), writing, playing tennis, or animal rescue…find that something that lights your heart on fire. You’ll know what that is because it’s the thing you could do it for hours and it feels like only minutes. But Hallie, what if I don’t know what I’m passionate about?
I hear you because I’ve been there and it sucks. This is the thing. Get out there and try new things. Join a club, take a class, go to an event with a friend…do SOMETHING to expose yourself to all sorts of activities. I recommend reading books by Sir Ken Robinson, The Element and Finding Your Element to help you tap into some of your gifts and passions.
It’s never too late to do the thing you’ve been dreaming about. Whether it stays a side hustle or becomes your main thing, DO IT! These passions can lead you to amazing things, people, and places. I found my passion for writing when my youngest was born and since then, I’ve met some amazing people who have become some of my closest friends. I never would have found them otherwise. I’ve become friends with authors because of my passion for reading and I’ve made deep connections with others who love holistic healing as much as I do.
2.Find your people
The middle years can be a lonely place for many reasons. Maybe because the kids are grown up and gone. Or maybe you’ve changed so much that your “current” people no longer get you or you don’t get them.
Connecting with like-minded souls who are passionate about the same things you are or are in the same place in life can be just what you need to light (and stoke) the fire inside. As much as we love our alone time, we are meant to be around others. We thrive in groups rather than trudging along on our own.
I’ve reached out to other women, young and old, who are following their dreams and inspire me to keep going after mine. I’ve joined networking groups, created a local soul sister tribe, and connected with like-minded people via social media who I can now call friends. With the blessing of the internet, proximity is no longer a requirement. Your people are out there looking for you, too, so wave your freak flag so they can find you!
3.Give No F*cks
Caring what others think about you, your life, your kids, the house you live in, the car you drive, the job you have, the clothes you wear, what you look like, etc. is no longer welcome in midlife. It was never welcome but now more than ever. We’ve been trapped in that worry for most of our lives and its power has controlled our actions for way too long.
What YOU feel and think is the most important opinion. Do not confuse this with narcissism…we aren’t talking about arrogance, vanity or self-indulgence here. No, this is about trusting yourself enough to know what’s best for you. I love the method Brené Brown uses. She says…
”I carry a small sheet of paper in my wallet that has written on it the names of people whose opinions of me matter. To be on that list, you have to love me for my strengths and struggles. You have to know that I’m trying to be Wholehearted, but I still cuss too much, flip people off under the steering wheel, and have both Lawrence Welk and Metallica on my iPod”.
If you’ve never read her book, Daring Greatly, go get it now. The first page in the book explains the book’s title which comes from Teddy Roosevelt’s “Citizens of the Republic” speech. The famous passage from that speech is:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”
Care about others who are in the arena with you and zero f*cks about the rest.
4.Find a New Perspective
Newsflash! You aren’t lost. Not if you change the way you see things.
Rather than feel like you are floating directionless in uncharted waters, (kids are gone or almost gone, you don’t connect with your friend group anymore, or you find yourself suddenly single), see all that expanse around you for the beauty that it is. We do this on vacation all the time. We stand on the bow of the boat, the terrace of our hotel room, or on the sandy beach and look out at ALL…THAT…BEAUTY. We see that expanse as beautiful and calming to our souls. Midlife can be the same. Don’t worry about what’s around the corner or that you can’t see the other side, you’ll find out when you get there. Be here now.
Sidenote: Don’t worry about the kids and what they’re going to do with their lives. It’s their lives…that’s for them to figure out. You were once their age and you figured it out. Maybe you’re still figuring it out. I know I am. They’re going to be just fine WITHOUT your poking, prodding, and worrying.
This time can be the best time of your life. Along with your college days, falling in love, being a newlywed, and meeting your babies — those can be the best times of your life, too. But I hope you add “The Middle” to that list. It isn’t mutually exclusive and there is no limit on how many “best times” you get to have.
Love exactly where you’re at, where you’re headed, what you’re discovering about yourself, then feel how wonderful “The Middle” truly can be.