It's Time to Deal with Our Sh*t

A couple weeks ago, I kept my high schooler home from school. He wasn’t sick—that I would welcome with open arms. No, he stayed home because there was a violent threat toward his school and even though there was an arrest, he’s home with me. The school stated they would have an extra police presence to help kids feel safe but I think the opposite happens.

Tell me, when you see a bunch of police around do you feel safer or do you get a heightened sense that shit’s about to go down? Whether this kid was actually serious or showing off for his friends, it doesn’t matter. The mental damage is already done.

Their school, the place they spend 8+ hours each day, is no longer the institution it was designed to be. It was supposed to be a place where kids learn a foundation of knowledge to carry them into the next phase of life, how to deal with each other socially, all while offering a fun atmosphere in which kids still get to be kids before they are thrust out into the real-ish world.

I shared a post on Instagram and Facebook about my initial feelings on this—you can read it here.

I told my son that when I was in school and someone felt slighted, bullied or was pissed off at the world as teenagers often do, it was handled in a fist fight or maybe even a “brawl” between groups of people after school or after the football game. Never would a kid have muttered he was going to kill people at his school with a gun. NE-VER.

To me, this is a general reflection of our emotional well-being as a society. I mean, why is this even a thought that enters one’s mind? How could so many people regard human life so casually? What is happening inside someone that this comes to mind at all?

I read an article stating that blaming mental illness for mass shootings is the same as blaming men in general. It’s way more complex than that. The article stated that most shooters have had childhood traumas and some sort of crisis that proceeds the shooting.

We live in a society that has stigmatized mental illness and that you must be off to go to therapy. Hell, we all need therapy. Nobody will make it through life unscathed. We all have shit we are carrying around that we need to let go of.

But therapy can be more than going to actual therapy. Maybe we should look at what we shouldn’t do first.

Whatever our situation is—our jobs suck, our parents hate our spouses (and let us know on the regular), or it’s the fourth traffic ticket in two months—it’s time to deal with our shit.

So rather than eat a box of Thin Mints to “deal”, we can reach for other, healthier, tools—ones that don’t give us shame, guilt or numbness when we use them. I know, easier said than done, right? Often, the right thing to do is very hard or painful so we tend to reach for the easiest things first. Low hanging fruit, as they say.

There are endless ways for us to avoid dealing with our shit: food, video games, porn, gossip, mindless scrolling on our phones, hours of Netflix, drugs, self-harming, overspending, excessive sleep, isolation, alcohol. It’s everywhere and often socially accepted, even revered. Addiction never had it so good.

It’s time to admit we’ve got some stuff to work on and whether it’s reading all the books or seeing all the therapists, we need to do whatever we can to deal with our crap. We will never get out of this horrid cycle of violence until we all start modeling what healthy coping looks like.

We have tools all around us. Yes, there is therapy, but there is also journaling, reading self-help books, workshops, talking with a trusted friend, use a smartphone app (there are plenty!), deep breathing, exercise, good sleep, eating healthier, cry, take a break from technology, meditation, volunteering…the list goes on.

When we use these kind of tools, our kids will be watching, learning and, hopefully, following our lead. We can bring about the change we want to see in the world by starting with ourselves.