Tools I Use to Increase My Emotional Well-th

Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash

I remember the days when every day felt like I was playing Hunger Games; some days I made it out alive and others I felt like I was taken out by rabid flying monkeys. Never mind, those were probably my kids. 

I had been an emotional mess for the majority of my life. I was either crying, yelling, stressed, worried, tired, scatter-brained, or frustrated. Rarely would I have said I was a happy person. But to clarify, I wasn't depressed. It was more like I was lost and out of touch with myself. I didn’t know who I was deep inside. If I stripped away all of the daily responsibilities and the to-dos, I couldn’t recognize myself. 

How many of you identify who you are as what you do on a daily basis? Mom, wife, salesperson, teacher, dad, student...those are all things we do but they aren't who we are. I did for many, many years and still struggle with fighting that battle. However, I know I’ve come a long way but it’s a never ending practice. Each and every day I work on growing my happiness, strength, fortitude, resilience, joy, gratitude and so on. But in order for me to tap into those emotions, I need to connect to the deepest parts of myself.

What I’ve learned is that I have to get real vulnerable with myself, to do things that feel uncomfortable and experiment…A LOT. There aren’t any hard and fast rules to being happy or finding your bliss. Just know that it isn’t a destination on a map, a place to travel to, or somewhere out there. It’s already inside each and every one of us. We just need to learn how to find it.

I used to think that happiness meant more money, more vacations, more friends, and more stuff. I also used to think that others’ happiness would make me happy. That was a huge lie I had been telling myself and very immature of me.I used to let others’ behaviors, attitudes, opinions, and beliefs impact the way I felt. I mean draggggg meeeeee dowwwwnnnnn kind of impact. I was like a mirror, always reflecting who I was around. And god, that was tiring!

But what else could I have done? I had NO IDEA who I was so what was I supposed to do? I adapted to my surroundings and blended in the crowd. It wasn’t until I took a life coaching workshop did I understand what I had been doing all these years. When we were asked what we desired in life — how I wanted to feel every day did I finally see that I had been hiding most of my life, giving up my power even, to keep from feeling too much. It’s INSANE to look back on now to see how I thought I could ever be happy or any other desired emotion from the way I lived.

Maybe you can relate. Maybe you’re at a place you don’t want to be but don’t know which way to go to get the hell out of there. Sister/brother, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I want to share a few tools with you that helped me start down the road I’m on now and what help me increase my emotional well-th each and every day.

Tools

Meditation

The statistics that support the positive impact meditation makes on our mental health are out there for the viewing. It is proven that it works. So why don't people do it? Maybe it feels too woo woo, they don't have time, doubt that it will work for them, etc. Those are all stories and excuses. If it didn't work, the rising research would prove otherwise. 

This one was tough for me at first. I always felt that it was for other people because why in the world would someone want to sit in silence…ever? For one, it’s awkward AF. I mean what if my husband or my kids saw me sitting with my eyes closed in my office? The shame! ;) Also, how does one just sit there?! I have never not had a thought float through my head in my entire life. How was I supposed to sit for 10 minutes trying not to think? That doesn’t even make sense!!

Sound familiar? I was there, too. But this was huge for me. To sit still without my phone, a book, the tv, or music playing was inconceivable to me. But this is where I started. I used an app called Headspace but now I just sit in silence or maybe have some instrumental music playing in my earphones. Here’s the deal…you’ll never know unless you try it.

Start with easy. Every morning, wake up 10 minutes early and just lie there. Take some deep breaths and try not to let the thoughts creep in. If they do, just recognize that you were “thinking” and let them pass on by. What helps me is to count the breaths at first. Breathe in….1, breathe out….2, breathe in….3, breathe out…4. I would count up to 10 then start over again. Then I graduated to not counting and just scanning my body, making sure I wasn’t holding tension anywhere in my body. If I was, then with each exhale, I let that tension go. This kept me relaxed and able to get more out of my session.

Once you can do 10 minutes, keep adding more until you can make it up to 30. See what that does for you. The amount of clarity you get will be amazing! You know how you get the best ideas in the shower? Same thing happens here. When we aren’t doing an inner diatribe, thinking about all you have to get done for the day or about how shitty your boss was to you, we open ourselves up to needs to be downloaded.

Plus, it’s like a reset. We calm our minds and bodies with the deep breathing into a few moments of peace.

If you aren’t the kind of person who can sit in silence and needs a gateway into meditation, there are guided meditation sessions that you can try to ease into it. Look into apps like Headspace, Insight Timer, and even Spotify. But once you get the hang of those, I really encourage you to try some sessions in silence. So, so good!

Alone time

This was big for me as well. As a mom and wife, it felt as if I had to ask permission to take time for myself. To be alone felt selfish for some reason and that I needed to have a damn good reason. It was totally stupid to feel that way because no one ever told me that. It wasn’t something I was taught, either, so damned if I know where I picked up that idiotic notion.

To be alone with oneself is part of self-care. It is necessary for mental wellness and mothers don’t get nearly enough. Not to exclude the guys here, but women tend to neglect this while guys will walk about the door, barely tossing a “see you later” over the shoulder as if they are walking out of the fraternity house rather than their family of five. Nope, they just walk on out. I’m not hating on the guys, I swear. I’m merely perplexed by the ability to up and go without making sure the kids have been fed, cared for or that the house isn’t on fire. I had to make sure the universe was in order before I attempted to do anything without having a child attached to my body.

I’m well past little kids but even though this is one of my favorite tools, it can still feels indulgent sometimes. With that said, alone time does not need to be extravagant. It can be going for a walk, seeing a movie by yourself, a trip to the Farmers’ Market, attending a conference, or visiting an independent bookstore by yourself while on vacation.

This time to explore or to just be with yourself means you are completely in charge. You decide the when, the where, the how and the how long. There is something very therapeutic about that because it helps you tune into what you want, and don’t want.

Journaling

I know, many of you just groaned. I’m not saying you have to pen a novel. I’m saying just spend a few moments writing down some thoughts to help you get in touch with feelings that you may not even knew you had. I write a couple of pages in a journal each morning to help me process emotions or observations I had about an event, something I read, or a problem I need to work out.

There is something about writing things down that helps my brain work out the kinks. As I write, I will notice a pattern of behavior showing up that isn’t serving me or my goals. I even give myself a little pep talk in my journal when I need it.

I consider it like talking to a best friend that is just there to listen. Often, in those pages, I find out more of who I am by the words I write. I don’t usually go back and read my entries, mainly because i can’t read my own writing. LOL. I write to process life and help me learn who I am as well as who I want to become.

reading Books

Again, you may be groaning about dealing with more words but I found that reading books has been a great way to connect with myself. While I recommend self-help or personal development books first, reading memoir and even fiction will give you a sense of self. You put yourself in the character’s shoes and wonder ho you would react in that same scenario. Maybe you would opt for couples’ therapy rather than push the husband down a flight of stairs.

If reading a personal development book make you want to hurl, fiction can be a great genre as well! It can help you understand yourself in a hypothetical situation without getting emotional involved—like you’re observing from a distance, both physically and emotionally. I’ve walked away from many a book feeling like my soul was put through the wringer but also feeling like it was cheap therapy and I’m HERE.FOR.IT.

exercise

Exercise means a lot of things. Walking, riding a bike, hiking, rowing, elliptical, lifting weights, jumping rope, jumping on a trampoline, dancing…when I move my body, my head gets happy, too. There are things called endorphins that get released when we exercise which is great because they are considered happy hormones. If I’m in a mental funk, I go workout. Then boom…all is right with me again. The more intense the session, the better I feel afterward. I think about a lot of things while working out and can be the mental version of journaling. Exercising does not mean you have to go full Crossfit. It just means move your body so that you raise your heart rate for at least 30 minutes so if that means you boogie to the Bee Gees in your living room for 30, then do it! You will feel better physically and emotionally after shaking your groove thing, I promise. Start your day with some happy music and I dare you to try to not dance. Get that body moving first thing and the mind will follow.

So there you go. My top tools for getting my head right when things feel wonky. There are many others but these are the ones that I can do whenever, wherever, and don’t cost me a thing except a little time.

What are your favorite go-tos to get your mental health back on track?

Share in the comments your tried and true tools that help you stay emotionally fit—I’d love to hear!